This post was written by Dr. Rebecca Minser, PPG – Integrative Medicine.
Burnout is a huge issue in America. We live in a fast-paced society that works more hours per person on average than any other country. Forty percent of Americans leave paid time off (PTO) on the table at the end of the year. This in the face of working in a country that offers much lower amounts of PTO than many other developed nations. In some countries, the amount of PTO is designated by age, not by the company a person works for, and changing jobs does not result in loss of PTO. In America, if you change jobs, your benefits change, and you may get no PTO for the first year. Coupled with our lack of daycare for children and stresses on the elder-care system, the stage is set for both exhaustion and burnout.
The gender imbalance
Women bear most of the responsibility for both childcare and elder care in this setting. The so-called “sandwich generation” is the period in a woman’s life when her family is likely dealing with caregiving needs on both ends of the age spectrum. It’s also common for women to bear the brunt of household tasks such as cleaning and meal preparation or planning. So even if they only “work” one job, they essentially have two full-time jobs, one at work and one caring for everyone and everything in the home. This is true regardless of income and educational status.
On top of the above stressors, women face growing demands and expectations from employers. Frequently, patients tell me they are still engaged with work when on vacation, mostly online, checking email. Many are salaried and expected to finish the work, regardless of hours, sometimes resulting in 50–60-hour work weeks. Employee shortages have not helped, and many are doing more than one person’s job. This rarely comes with an increase in pay, adding to financial stress.
Never enough
Every day I talk with women who are falling apart under the burdens placed on them. I frequently hear about a complete lack of time for themselves, lack of support, lack of money, lack of options. They feel stuck, unable to see how things can improve given the pressure cooker of life in the modern world. They are sick, exhausted, burnt out, depressed and physically unwell.
Addressing common stressors
So, what can be done, with seemingly so many factors against us? How can women improve their lives, so they can feel some joy again, and maybe feel rested and well? It’s a complex question, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Every family is different, and every woman is different in different circumstances. It requires some soul-searching and action.
Here are some ideas of ways to start getting control of often out-of-control schedules:
- Put yourself on your list of people to care for! It is impossible to continue long-term when all your energy is going out and nothing is coming in. Start small. Take 5-10 minutes every day to do something that feeds your soul, or just to rest and breathe.
- Make a list with all your commitments. Include everything – meetings, kids’ obligations, family obligations, work, etc. If it is on your calendar regularly it should be on this list.
- Once you have a list of commitments, make two columns: One for things that are necessary and one for things that you volunteered for. If you aren’t sure, make a 3rd column with those obligations.
- Eliminate something that isn’t in your necessary column. This probably sounds like a radical idea, but the only way life will get less hectic is if you make it so. If the event is important to others, someone else will take your place. If no one else will step up, then why spend the energy to keep it going? It obviously isn’t that important to anyone else involved.
- Make a promise to yourself you will pause to consider taking on anything else. If you are a “can do” person, your knee-jerk answer when asked to do something is “yes.” Replace that with “I’ll have to check my calendar and get back to you.” This gives you the opportunity to walk away, pause and truly consider the time and energy required of what has been asked. Be honest with yourself when you consider if you have that time or energy. If the answer is “no” then your answer to the request should be the same! “No, I cannot do that at this time.” End of story, no wiggle room. Stick to your answer.
- If your kids are in multiple activities, consider paring back their schedules to one activity per child per semester. Kids are over-scheduled as much as adults these days, and sleep deprived on top of that. Their sports and activities are important, but keeping their schedule manageable usually means keeping yours more manageable as well. Everyone wins.
- Consider things you could hire someone to do. Whether that is help with cleaning, yard work or errands, even getting assistance once a month can be helpful. There are numerous people in the “gig economy” who do all sorts of things that would take one thing off of your plate.
- Ask for (or demand) help around the house. Kids can do chores, which also helps them prepare and learn life skills for their future. This might include dishes, taking the trash out, picking up after themselves, etc. Sit down and have a discussion with your spouse as well. Often, they have no idea how stressed or exhausted you are, because you just push through it. They don’t know if you don’t tell them. If it works in your family structure, make a chart of who is responsible for which activities.
- Pull your attention from worrying or stressing about what others are doing. This does not include minor children, but often a significant source of stress is concern over how adult children or even parents are living their lives. No one can control what another person does. Spending significant energy thinking about and worrying about what others are doing is stressful, exhausting and unrewarding.
- Once you have freed up some space in your life, fill it with something you love. This might take some thought. If your life has been hectic and over-scheduled for a long time, you might not even remember what you like to do. That’s OK. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time for something new, just for you!
Remember, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the love and care you show others. You deserve it.
Recommended reading:
Fair Play - A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky
The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
