This post was written by Madeleine Teeter, MA, LMHC, clinical programs supervisor, child therapist, Parkview Behavioral Health Institute.
Emotional regulation is a phrase we hear often, in therapy, school or daily conversations. While right now, it seems like a buzzword, “emotional regulation” carries weight. Before we get into what it is, let’s first discuss what it’s not.
Understanding emotional regulation
Emotional regulation is not:
- Pretending you’re fine
- Pushing down feelings
- Never getting upset or stressed
It’s important to understand what it’s not because often people believe if you can emotionally regulate well, you don’t ever feel big emotions. It’s quite the opposite.
Emotional regulation is:
- Noticing what you’re feeling
- Understanding the why behind the feeling
- Managing the feeling in a way that helps you, rather than harms you
Tips for emotional regulation
To begin, we aren’t pushing away big feelings but creating space to understand why the emotion is coming up, and how we can help ourselves through it.
How do we do that? Among other strategies, we:
- Take deep breaths
- Engage in positive self-talk
- Naming the feeling
- Practice h-+ealthy coping skills
We also create safety plans.
Creating safety plans
Safety plans are a step-by-step guide that helps us regulate ourselves when we’re in heightened emotions. Safety plans help us notice early signs of big emotions (“I’m getting overwhelmed”), know coping skills that help us (going for walks, listening to music, etc.) and knowing who to reach out to (friend, family member, crisis line, etc).
Safety plans have three layers:
First layer: Grounding and coping skills (that you can do on your own)
This is the part of the plan where you try to manage your feelings on your own. You can use coping skills that you know help you or find new ones to try. Whether it’s deep breathing, going for a walk or reading a book, this layer is all about trying to self soothe.
Second layer: Supportive people
If you cannot regulate on your own, the second layer of the safety plan is connecting with people who we love and trust. A friend you can call, a family member, your spouse or whomever elicits a sense of calm in you. If the feeling feels too big to manage on our own, this step allows us to connect to something outside of yourself.
Third layer: Professional and crisis support
If the first two layers do not work, and you’re still feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, we have layer three. This is when we seek professional help or use a crisis line. You may have a therapist that has an on-call line, 988 crisis line (text and call available). If you are in immediate danger, go to the nearest emergency room.
A safety plan and emotional regulation work together because the safety plan provides structure to regulate the emotions. Emotional regulation involves recognizing, understanding and managing difficult feelings. Safety plans organize these skills into steps that we can easily follow.
