This post was written by Dr. Sakshi Kapur, PsyD, HSPP, clinical psychologist, Parkview Behavioral Health Institute.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person or group makes another person question their own reality, memory or perceptions. It is psychological deception where your thoughts, your understanding of reality or experiences are questioned over time to the point where it leaves you feeling confused and in doubt of your own physical and psychological stability. It’s often subtle and gradual, making it hard for you to recognize what’s happening.
Often, the main goal of the person gaslighting you is to change the subject, transfer guilt from them to you, make you believe that you are the one who is at fault and make you doubt your own feelings. Gaslighting can occur in romantic relationships, families, friendships, workplaces, and even in politics.
How to identify gaslighting
Some key factors to help identify gaslight behaviors are:
- Denying things that are obviously true: “That never happened,” even when it clearly did.
- Twisting facts: Reframing situations to make you seem irrational or overly emotional.
- Undermining confidence and minimizing your feelings: Making you doubt your own judgment or sanity.
- Blaming the victim: Saying things like “You’re just too sensitive” or “You always overreact.”
- Isolating the victim: Encouraging them to distrust others or feel alone in their experience to increase their own sense of control.
Behaviors that might be mistaken for gaslighting
It is important to keep in mind that not everything that feels confusing or hurtful is gaslighting or intentionally manipulative. Some situations that look like gaslighting on the surface are actually something else. Here are common behaviors that can be mistaken for gaslighting:
1. Disagreement or different perspective
- Example: Someone remembers an event differently than you.
- Not gaslighting if: They aren’t trying to manipulate you, they just genuinely recall it differently.
- Why it gets confused: Conflicting memories can feel invalidating, especially during arguments.
2. Poor communication skills
- Example: A person avoids conflict, minimizes things or shuts down emotionally.
- Not gaslighting if: They're not trying to make you doubt your reality, just struggling to express themselves.
- Why it gets confused: Emotional immaturity or defensiveness can look like manipulation when it’s actually just avoidance.
3. Forgetfulness
- Example: Someone says, “I don’t remember saying that.”
- Not gaslighting if: They truly forgot, and there's no pattern of intentional distortion.
- Gaslighting involves intentional denial, not accidental forgetfulness.
4. Emotional defensiveness
- Example: A person says “You’re overreacting” during a heated argument.
- Not gaslighting if: They're expressing their own (possibly unfair) opinion, not trying to control your view of reality.
- It becomes gaslighting if it's repeated and used to make you distrust yourself.
5. Miscommunication or misunderstanding
- Example: Two people interpret the same situation differently.
- Not Gaslighting If: Neither person is trying to manipulate the truth — they just see it differently.
- Not all invalidation is intentional manipulation.
6. Clumsy conflict resolution
- Example: Someone apologizes poorly or tries to move past an issue without really addressing it.
- Not gaslighting if: There’s no attempt to deny your experience or re-write what happened.
Why do gaslighting tactics work?
Gaslighting tactics work because they target fundamental aspects of how we process reality—memory, trust, self-esteem and perception. Here's why they're so effective:
1. They create confusion and self-doubt
People who gaslight intentionally contradict your version of events or perceptions so often that you start to doubt your own memory or sanity. Once you're unsure of your own thoughts, you're more likely to rely on them for the "truth."
- Example: "That never happened—you must be imagining things."
2. They exploit cognitive biases
Humans tend to second-guess themselves when faced with conflict, especially if the other person seems confident or calm. People who gaslight try to use this to their advantage.
- Example: Repeating lies confidently makes the lie more believable over time.
3. They undermine your confidence
Over time, people who gaslight chip away at your self-trust. If you no longer believe in your ability to perceive or remember things accurately, you become easier to manipulate or control.
4. They isolate you
They often try to separate you from friends, family, or support systems—people who might validate your reality. This makes you more dependent on their version of events.
- Example: "Your friends don't really care about you. I'm the only one who understands you."
5. They mix in affection or logic
People who gaslight don’t always act aggressively. They may use charm, “logic” or even affection to confuse and soften their target, which makes their manipulation more believable.
- Example: “I only said that because I care about you.”
6. It happens gradually
Gaslighting is rarely obvious at first. It's a slow erosion of your mental footing. You might not even realize it’s happening until the damage is done.
What do gaslighters hate?
Usually, people who gaslight hate losing control and anything that threatens their ability to manipulate or dominate others. Here’s a breakdown of what they typically can’t stand:
1. Being confronted with facts or evidence
They thrive on denial and distortion. When you bring receipts (texts, emails, witnesses), they may:
- Lash out or get defensive
- Accuse you of being “obsessed” or “paranoid”
- Deflect or change the subject
Example: “Why are you keeping track of everything I say? That’s controlling!”
2. People who trust their own judgment
Gaslighters prey on uncertainty. Someone with high self-awareness and confidence is harder to manipulate.
Example: “You always think you're right!” (Translation: “I can’t twist your perception.”)
3. Boundaries
When you say "no," set limits, or walk away, it disrupts their control.
Example: “You’re being difficult.”
Example: “Wow, you’ve changed.”
4. Outside support systems
Gaslighters hate when you have close friends, family, or therapists validating your experiences. Isolation is one of their tools, so they resist anything that strengthens your independence.
Example: “They’re turning you against me.”
Example: “You can’t trust them.”
5. Accountability
They often avoid taking responsibility. If you call out their behavior calmly and clearly, they may:
- Gaslight harder
- Play the victim
- Flip the blame onto you
Example: “You’re the one with the problem, not me.”
6. Being ignored or cut off
Gaslighters crave attention and control. Going no-contact, grey rocking (being emotionally unresponsive), or detaching can drive them wild, because they can no longer pull your strings.
7. Your growth
Any sign that you’re healing, getting stronger, or seeing through them threatens their power.
Example: “You’ve become so cold lately.”
Example: “You used to be nicer.”
If you think you might need the help of a mental healthcare professional, we are here to assist. Call the PBHI HelpLine at 260-471-9440 or toll free at 800-284-8439, anytime 24 hours a day. Our experienced specialists can answer your questions, provide recommendations and help arrange care.
