This post was written by Dan Bellinger, chaplain, Parkview Health.
I think we need to stop using the word “should.”
When we use should, we often refer to a standard outside of ourselves. We say we shouldn’t be crying as we get bad news. We feel we shouldn’t make mistakes when we’re tired. We hold what we should be doing over what we are doing. It’s an unfair thing to do.
We are humans with emotions, feelings and values. We’re not robots. A robot is a machine; we are not. We cannot expect ourselves to operate like a machine would. When we experience loss, it hurts. When we are overwhelmed, we react. A machine operates without emotion or feelings or values. This is what makes you, you (and what makes you beautiful).
Since you are uniquely you, it’s only fair to evaluate you by your particular gifts, skills and personality. For years, I struggled with the fact that I thought I “should” be involved in work that did not align with my gifts, skills and personality. I found myself constantly not measuring up. I found that every day was a struggle. It was when I accepted that I was gifted in a particular way, that I was able to embrace roles in life and in my work that fit who I am. Who you are is enough; you don’t need to be anybody else.
I believe that you are loved for being who you are, not for what you do or your performance. Your family and friends care about you, not because you do what “should” be done, but because of who you are. As a pastor, for years I would tell people that “God loves you, and there’s nothing — good or bad — you can do about it.” One of the most important things you can do for yourself is to stop measuring yourself by your performance, but instead by the fact that you have value, for being just the way you are.
Instead of should, I think it’s better to focus on being present in the moment. So often, we’re thinking “I should be doing (fill in the blank),” and that distracts us from what is happening around us. Instead of being present, we’re thinking about alternative realities of what could have been, as opposed to being here in how it is.
I am writing this in October of 2020, in the middle of a global pandemic. The world has been turned upside down. You are under pressures and stressors unique to this time. It’s important that you give yourself grace in this season. This time is not normal. It’s important to re-evaluate the world accordingly.
I pray that in this season, you’ll have the strength to get through each day, the freedom to be yourself, and the joy from knowing that who you are is enough.
